I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
