The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Randomize
