I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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