U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
