i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
