She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just puked most of my soul out..
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