Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
