I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
