I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Drunk is a universal language darling
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
