I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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