Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Randomize
