I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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