So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
