My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
