I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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