when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
