Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
