Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
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