I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
