its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
