Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
