it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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