My room smells like vodka and shame
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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