I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize