he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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