i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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