Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
