Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
