I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
