pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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