You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
