I would go down on you faster than GM stock
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just found puke in my bra..
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
