Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize