I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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