Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My feet surprised me
Randomize
