Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
