I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
