I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
