my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
