i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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