The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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