I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
