i don't like sucking hair
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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