Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
