Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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