just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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