All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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