I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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