dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
