My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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