Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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