I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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