i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
In other news, I just burned my penis
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
