i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
