She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
