I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
