Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
