I accidentally had phone sex last night
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
