He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
