She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I queefed so loud it echoed.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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