don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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