Who did Billy Mays play for?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
