Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
